


Here at Home (with you)

by aroceu



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Experimental Style, Fanmix, Ficmix, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4727426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/aroceu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>In this life, it's easier.</i> // a kyuhyun/yesung ficmix</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here at Home (with you)

**Author's Note:**

> [You can listen to the fanmix on 8tracks.](http://8tracks.com/aroceu/here-at-home-with-you) Download links are at the bottom of the post.

 

* * *

  
  


 

Kyuhyun is eighteen at the start of Super Junior and maybe thirty at the end, he can't remember. Maybe a bit younger. Life had gone by so fast and he can remember bits and pieces, like songs and choreography and laughing backstage at three in the morning, and throwing cake at his brothers' faces and singing about girls and love and love and girls and sometimes, sometimes about himself. 

Jongwoon is Yesung and Yesung is Jongwoon and they look and laugh together, like everyone else. When everyone else is done they're still laughing and looking and Jongwoon asks him, "What are you going to do after this?"

"I don't know," says Kyuhyun, and a billion things are running through his head like  _maybe law_  and  _I might continue with music_  and  _what's for dinner tonight?_ and  _how about you?_  "God," he says, instead. "We're not young anymore."

"We've never been young," says Jongwoon, assures.

It's midnight rather than three in the morning but Kyuhyun thinks it's close enough. Most of everyone else is fast asleep, but Siwon and Jungsoo are still on a schedule and Yongwoon and Ryeowook and Sungmin are talking and laughing in the corner.

No one's in the army anymore. But no one's on stage anymore, either.

Kyuhyun brings his knees together, rests his arms on them. "We'll still," he says, and he thinks about yesterday and tomorrow. Jongwoon is thinking about yesterday and tomorrow too, and their eyes meet and Kyuhyun says, "After tomorrow, I'll keep in touch. With you, at the least."

"Oh," says Jongwoon. "What about the others?"

"I'll keep in touch with the others too," says Kyuhyun. Their knees knock against each other. Kyuhyun bumps shoulders with him.

"But at least you," he says, wishing there were some way to glue himself to Jongwoon.

 

* * *

 

 

"I can't live like this anymore," said Kyuhyun. "Get out. It's time for you to move out."

Jongwoon was sprawled on the floor of their apartment, reading a magazine. He didn't budge when Kyuhyun kicked him.

"C'mon, dude," said Kyuhyun. "Get your lazy ass up. At least get a job or something."

"I have a job," said Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. "A  _real_  job. Volunteering at the library is not a real job. You get paid minimum wage."

"Well, at least I'm getting paid. Better than nothing, right?" Jongwoon tossed away the fashion magazine he was currently reading and grabbed another, this time on hairstyles. "Do you think this would look good on me?" he asked Kyuhyun, pointing to a picture of a man with a mohawk.

"Nothing looks good on you. Get up and clean up this mess." Kyuhyun kicked him on the side again.

"Fine, fine." Jongwoon groaned and stood up, still holding the magazine. He stared around blankly, then grabbed all the books and magazines that were laying on the floor and put them in one pile. "Done," he said, returning to his home on the floor.

"Not done." Kyuhyun knocked the pile over and everything slid back on the ground.

"Now that's your problem," said Jongwoon.

Kyuhyun sighed. "Why am I even living with you, anyway?"

"Because I'm your best friend," said Jongwoon cheekily. "And besides, after university, I needed a place to stay and you said I could stay with you."

"You should be kissing my feet and thanking my generous heart," said Kyuhyun.

Jongwoon laughed. "Not on your life, Kyuhyun."

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

For a soloist, life alternates between being easy and difficult for Jongwoon. Sometimes he has his good days, when his manager is happy with what he's done and the profits that they gain: Jongwoon isn't what you'd call "popular", but he's certainly passable. He's sort of indie, but he sings all kinds of things. Mostly ballads.

He's putting a poster up for himself—his mother would be proud, he thinks, because she's the one who'd gotten him into a career of music for the first place—when a man walks by and stops. Stares at the poster.

"Is that you?" he asks, and Jongwoon nods, not looking at him.

"Yeah." He sticks the tip of his tongue out, trying to center the poster. It doesn't look that bad: it's just a big picture of his face against a yellow background.

"You're a musician?" says the man.

"Singer," Jongwoon clarifies, still not looking at him. "But if you mean that I make my own music, then yeah, I guess."

"You're any good?" asks the man, and Jongwoon turns to him then. The man is smiling, seemingly intrigued.

Jongwoon shrugs. "I suppose? You'd have to listen to judge, though."

"I'd suggest for you to sing on the street for me to hear, but I don't think you'd do that," says the man. He looks at the poster again. "'Kim Jongwoon.'"

"Yeah, me," says Jongwoon.

The man sticks out his hand and smiles at him, then. "Cho Kyuhyun," he says, and Jongwoon takes his hand and thinks,  _all right_  and Kyuhyun is part of a world Jongwoon thinks he might've seen before.

*

They talk about music and Kyuhyun says, "I'm a lawyer," and Jongwoon says, "But you know so much about the music industry," and Kyuhyun says, "Yeah, well."

"I could've been in an idol group," says Jongwoon, over coffee. Kyuhyun has proven himself to be good company: he strains his mouth at Jongwoon's jokes and laughs when Jongwoon doesn't second-guess himself. "At least, I think I might've," adds Jongwoon thoughtfully.

"Yeah?" Kyuhyun takes a sip of his tea.

Jongwoon nods. "My mom wanted me to audition a few years back, but I decided not to," he says. "I wasn't sure how it would've turned out—you just never know with things like that."

"I almost entered a singing contest," says Kyuhyun. "But I decided that I wouldn't do that either. High school band was fun, but that's enough."

"Yeah," says Jongwoon. "I mean, who knows where music could take you?"

Kyuhyun lifts up his cup to this. "Who knows," he says in agreement, and they drink in haze of what could've been.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

I could feel him next to me even though he wasn't; he was behind the counter, tending to the other customers. I played with my cup of coffee, wanting to stare at him—but only enjoying that I was thirty feet away from him.

Ten minutes must have passed, or something, but I hadn't been paying attention to the time and not much to him (just his being around) when I heard him say like he was three feet away from me, "Hey, can I get you anything?" I looked up; he  _was_  three feet away from me and he was smiling and I almost leapt back.

I could see the hint of him laughing, and he looked down to his notepad. I regained my composure and said, "Um, no, thank you," and he put his notepad in his apron and looked at me.

"You've been here for the past half hour with only your coffee, Jongwoon," he said. "Aren't you going to do something? Eat anything?"

"I—no thank you, it's fine," I said.

He glanced around, I supposed, to the other baristas and waiters. Some were busy, others were talking and laughing. He slid into the booth across from me.

I stared.

"Well, if you're not doing anything, I might as well keep you company. How are you?" he asked.

"Good," I said,  _I'm great because you're talking to me and it's not just "what can I get you?" today_. My insides were turning like the blenders behind the coffee counter. I sat on my hands.

"No classes today?" he asked, and I shook my head.

"Only in the morning."

"Right, it's Thursday," he said, and then smiled. "Ah, I'm not a stalker, it's just that you come here regularly so I know what times you come and don't."

"No—it's okay," I said. "I'd be flattered if I had a stalker, really." And then I blushed, because that was an idiotic thing to say and my cheeks felt too hot, on fire.

Kyuhyun laughed. "You would, hyung," he said, and then someone from behind the counter shouted, "Kyuhyun, get your ass back here!" and Kyuhyun turned to me, with something like an apology in his eyes.

"Guess that means that's my cue to go," he said. "Stay a little longer?"

I didn't know why he asked, if he just wanted the company—I didn't know if he meant to ask, rather than thinking that I would leave. But I said, "Yeah, I will," and he grinned and went back to his job and I drank my coffee and thought about asking him,  _do you want to go on a date sometime?_  and lived in my own little world in my head.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

When Jongwoon meets him, they're the only two people in the music store and the man comes up to him and asks him if he's going to buy a piano and ten minutes later they're talking about the merits of keyboards and harpsichords.

*

The man says he's called Kyuhyun and gives him Jongwoon's number the next time they're at the music store, which is about a week later and they're not alone anymore but it might feel like they are.

*

They make no coincidences because each time they meet they make it, or it's in the music store and Jongwoon thinks that the music store is the place that they both go when they can't find the right life anywhere else.

*

They meet in libraries and bookstores and restaurants and their apartments and Kyuhyun introduces him to his friends and Jongwoon introduces him to his own friends and they, they're friends.

*

Jongwoon understands what it is when he looks forward to being with Kyuhyun and he doesn't look forward to anything else, and his stomach feels like a barrel rolling down a waterfall and he makes the wrong jokes and blushes too easily when he's around Kyuhyun.

*

_I'm gay_ , he tells Kyuhyun one time because he thinks Kyuhyun should know because now they're good friends and only Jongwoon's parents and brother know and they accept him and Jongwoon wants Kyuhyun to accept him and he does; Kyuhyun says,  _all right_  like it's all right, and Jongwoon thinks he can breathe again.

*

They're in a bookstore a few weeks later when Kyuhyun says to him,  _I like you_ and their feet are touching under the table.

*

They don't call each other anything but sometimes Kyuhyun will stay over at Jongwoon's place longer than usual, or Jongwoon at Kyuhyun's place, and they're all hands and lips and touching and bodies and Jongwoon wants to soak himself up in everything that is Kyuhyun.

*

They still go to bookstores and libraries and restaurants but it doesn't feel like going to bookstores and libraries and restaurants: it feels like going places, with Kyuhyun, and Jongwoon is everything next to him and doesn't know anything else.

*

(It comes to the time when Kyuhyun asks, "Are you a virgin?" and Jongwoon says, "No," and Kyuhyun says, "Me neither," and they rut against each other and Jongwoon is captivated by the wetness and the heat and feels like a virgin again, sprawled against Kyuhyun.)

*

When the eighth month hits they don't go to each other's apartments anymore, because there's no other apartment to go to: they're together (in Jongwoon's old one) and Kyuhyun works at an office building and Jongwoon works at the music store they first met in and they leave with good morning kisses and come back to freshly cooked dinners.

*

Jongwoon shouts and yells and Kyuhyun shouts and yells and they're both crying, sort of, on the inside, and Jongwoon storms out and slams the door and really does cry.

*

Kyuhyun comes outside and apologizes and Jongwoon apologizes and they spend the night in their bedroom, gentle thrusts and slow silences with the window fogging up the dark sky.

*

They tell their parents and meet and there's a huge dinner at their apartment and both of them are kind of nervous and it goes worse than expected when Kyuhyun's sister dips her elbow in the kimchi bowl.

*

Jongwoon gets Kyuhyun a ring in their third year and Kyuhyun gives him a ring a week later and he says that he'd never thought about it and Jongwoon says it's okay and neither of them wear their rings on their fingers, but on a thin chain around their necks and never talk about them, but never forget that they are there.

*

Jongwoon turns over in the bed and smiles at Kyuhyun sleeping next to him, slipping his fingers into Kyuhyun's palm and nudging his head in the crook of Kyuhyun's neck, whispers, " _I love you_ ," and feeling nothing but the world between them.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

The man has tousled hair and mischievous eyes and says, "Hey baby, is this seat taken?" Jongwoon looks at him and says, "No," and the man slips next to him.

"You want anything?" the man asks, and before Jongwoon can answer, the man says to the bartender, "Hey, two soju!"

"You're paying for that, you know," says Jongwoon.

The man chuckles. "I know."

Jongwoon can't be seen here but no one in this place can be seen here: in bars like this, everyone is anonymous. They're underground and more than half the country doesn't even know bars like this even exist. If they did, they could get shot.

Jongwoon takes his drink and the man takes his own. They both pop open the bottles and down them. The man says, "I'm Kyuhyun."

Jongwoon nods. "Jongwoon," he says, remembering to forget Kyuhyun's name in the morning.

"You got a place go to go?" Kyuhyun asks, and Jongwoon finishes the rest of his drink and slams it on the bar counter.

"Yeah," he says, sliding off his chair. "Let's go."

They take a taxi and the driver doesn't know what's going on when Kyuhyun reaches over to him in the backseat and lets his lips fall on Jongwoon's. He tastes like alcohol and testosterone and sweat, and Jongwoon lets him as Kyuhyun grinds his lips against Jongwoon's. His mouth is hot and works Jongwoon's mouth inside out until Jongwoon isn't sure he can breathe anymore, and Kyuhyun is all rough so his lips feel bruised when he's done and he can't shake off the feeling of Kyuhyun running his tongue against Jongwoon's teeth.

Jongwoon's apartment is on the fifth floor and as soon as they enter, Kyuhyun practically rips Jongwoon's shirt off and throws it to the living room ground and takes his own clothes off, and Jongwoon is backing up as he undresses himself and then they're both naked in Jongwoon's living room. Kyuhyun kisses and grinds and fucks him on the coffee table, their bodies slick against each other and Jongwoon holds onto Kyuhyun's head, his ears, as he says things like, "Kyuhyun," and, "god," and, " _fuck_ ," moans when he comes against him.

Kyuhyun comes too and then they make out some more, because Kyuhyun's mouth is so fucking  _good_ , and Kyuhyun seems to think the same of Jongwoon's too. They laugh when they accidentally fall off the table and Jongwoon says, "Ow," and Kyuhyun says, "Sorry about that."

"You staying for the morning?" Jongwoon asks, and Kyuhyun says, "I might." But Jongwoon knows that "I might" means no and isn't surprised when he's alone in the living room the next morning,

He forgets Kyuhyun's face and his name. But he doesn't forget the way Kyuhyun had kissed him, fucked him, his cock's hot thrusts inside of him, and that's all Jongwoon can think of now whenever he jacks off.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

you try to remember what it feels like. when you hadn't fallen. but all you can think of is  _him_  and  _it_  and there's death, oh, there's always death. death is the one thing that will capture you and when you don't think of  _him_  or  _it_ , you think of death.

_him_  is he, jongwoon, and  _it_  is your falling for him. and you don't like that either, but you're stuck between the space that is torture and death.

*

death itself is a funny thing because it's not something to be scared of. it happens to everyone, every day, and only once. it's the waiting that scares, though—the waiting and waiting of  _when is it going to happen?_  and  _is it today?_  and  _could it have been stopped?_ —these are the questions that run through your head when you walk through the streets.

he works at the same place as you do, cubicle jobs, and he smiles like he pretends that he enjoys this. you know he doesn't. no one does.

you say, "hi," to him in the mornings and he says, "hi kyuhyun," back and you spend your day thinking of other things you can say to him but you usually don't and wait for that rare occasion when he talks to you first. and when he does, it's as painful as death and you want to fall into it, want it all to be over.

*

you remember the time when you'd been in your parents' room with your uncle's gun and it'd been in your mouth and tears had been streaming down your face.

but you'd been high and must've stalled, must've blacked out because the next thing you knew, ahra was there and she was shouting,  _kyuhyun! kyuhyun!_  and then  _someone get help!_

but to your disappointment your skull had been intact and you were still high when you went to the doctor's and were told to stop taking the drugs.

no one understands, you think. and you wish someone would.

*

one day opportunity finds itself when you and jongwoon are in the same meeting room alone and you take him by the shoulder and turn him around and press your lips against his—

—he pushes you back and spits,  _what the fuck kyuhyun_  and  _fag_  and doesn't look at you, doesn't talk to you anymore after this.

*

you find another gun.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

"Yesung," said Kyuhyun, rapping at the door, and when there was no answer, he pounded on it even more and said, "YESUNG."

"What?"

The door opened and Yesung stared at him.

"We're going out today," said Kyuhyun. "Remember?"

Yesung frowned. "I don't recall making plans with you today."

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and tugged at Yesung's hand. The others were in their own rooms, or in the living room, so they didn't have to worry about anyone seeing. 

"You're my  _boyfriend_ , hyung," said Kyuhyun. "You don't need make plans to hang out with me."

"But," said Yesung, but Kyuhyun said, "No buts," and dragged him outside.

It was relatively sunny, albeit a bit windy. Kyuhyun let go of his hand as they walked down the streets and Yesung asked him, "Where are we going?"

Kyuhyun shrugged. "Dunno. Just wanted to come outside with you, get away from the apartment."

"Oh," said Yesung, nodding. He adjusted the cap he'd grabbed before leaving. People passed them by, not sparing them a second glance.

"I should call you by your real name out here, shouldn't I?" said Kyuhyun, sending Yesung a teasing look. " _Jongwoon_ ," he said, and Yesung blushed.

He seemed embarrassed by it, too, blushing. "It'd be weird though, I'm not used to it," he said. "Everyone's been calling me Yesung—"

"Yeah, your mom did that other time when she called," said Kyuhyun. "She was like, 'Can I speak to Yesung?'"

"I hate being famous," said Yesung, and Kyuhyun chuckled.

They decided to walk to the park, and Kyuhyun poked Yesung in the side and Yesung got indignant and started chasing Kyuhyun around. Kyuhyun laughed as he did his best to run away from Yesung, but then Yesung tackled him and they both fell to the ground.

"Victory is mine!" said Yesung, sitting on top of him. His legs straddled either side of Kyuhyun's body, and Kyuhyun put his hands on his waist, almost tickling him again.

Instead he sat up and pressed their foreheads together and Yesung looked caught off-guard, but didn't pull back. "You're ridiculous," he said, nudging his nose with Yesung's.

Yesung grinned and held onto Kyuhyun's shoulders. "But I'm your favorite."

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

Jongwoon had had a plan today, that he wouldn't take the bait, and the plan was _ruined_  because it'd been going so well earlier and then he was walking home from school when Kyuhyun appeared and said things like,  _So, have fun with your little band geeks today?_  because Jongwoon was in band and yeah, he  _did_  have fun thank you very much. And then Kyuhyun brought up Jongwoon's hair (it was uncombed) and Jongwoon's socks (the same for the past five days) and Jongwoon had tried shooting something equally as biting back and couldn't and made a fool of himself.

Kyuhyun was a number of years younger than him anyway, and that was what really pissed Jongwoon off. They'd lived on the same block since they were younger, but so did a lot of other kids and those other kids were Kyuhyun's friends. Jongwoon's friends were the kids who lived on the other side of the city.

_Fuck_ , Jongwoon thought, slumping in the couch and loosening up his tie. Decided that it didn't matter if he wore it or not and threw it aside, anyway. He unbuttoned his belt, too, and then his mind started going places, and then  _might as well_  and discarded his school trousers, too.

He'd have to clean up later (and hoped to god his mother wouldn't come home any time soon) but the frustration was working too deep inside him to care. He thought of all the things Kyuhyun had said to him, and brought his cock out.

_"God, your fingernails are disgusting."_

_"Why the hell's your backpack orange? It makes you look even more uglier."_

_"Hey, I heard you got the lowest grade on your math exam today."_

_"Do you even wash behind your ears, anyways?"_

What Jongwoon wanted to do—he wanted to take  _Kyuhyun's_  ears and make him—make him take Jongwoon's dick in his mouth. Yeah. Jongwoon groaned at the thought and thrust his dick between his fingers, thinking about Kyuhyun's ugly little mouth around it. Hot and wet. Thought about fucking his mouth, fucking _Kyuhyun_ , with Kyuhyun's knees on the ground all dark and bruised as Jongwoon would teach him a lesson. Pinch Kyuhyun's little nipples until Kyuhyun was crying out, begging for mercy. Begging for more.

_"Do you think about fucking me, in the showers? Fucking little boys?"_

Kyuhyun hadn't even said that but Jongwoon came anyways, pressing his face against the couch armrest and thrusting into the cushion. He lay there, spent, cock still hanging out of his trousers. His eyes and his face and the armrest were damp.

He sighed and grabbed the nearest tissue box, and wiped his face before he wiped below. Sinking in his daydreams wasn't going to do anything to reality.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

When he needs cheering up, Kyuhyun sometimes thinks about Jongwoon. Jongwoon talks too much and is indecisive, and when he's talking to people he wants to talk to everyone. Kyuhyun smiles at these sorts of things, whether they're happening in his mind or he's seeing them. Yeah, the other Super Junior members do these sorts of things too, and Hyukjae is fun to laugh with and Sungmin fidgets when he's confident. But Kyuhyun's mind goes to Jongwoon first.

He's sitting next to Jongwoon and Donghae is talking to Youngwoon and Jungsoo, and Shindong and Ryeowook are talking about tomorrow's schedule, and Jongwoon leans over and mutters in Kyuhyun's ear, "Is there some place where we can talk?" Kyuhyun nods and packs away his laptop and they go to the apartment building roof.

The sun is red and setting and Jongwoon says, "I like men." Kyuhyun stares at him for a moment and then starts laughing, and Jongwoon blushes and frowns and says indignantly, "What? I do! What are you laughing at?"

"Sorry—it just sounds funny," says Kyuhyun, and then quiets down. Bites his lip then. "You know that you can't tell anyone else, right?"

"Yeah, I," says Jongwoon, looking down. "But I can tell you, right?"

"You already have," says Kyuhyun, and, "Yeah." They have this thing, where they tell each other random things about themselves. Kyuhyun only knows Jongwoon's favorite color and favorite fruit from fansites online, but he knows about the first time Jongwoon had cried and five of the eight times he's thrown up in his life.

"Okay, good," says Jongwoon, and breathes out a sigh of relief.

"You don't," says Kyuhyun suddenly. "You don't—like me, do you?"

Jongwoon freezes and immediately Kyuhyun takes that as a yes, even though after that single moment Jongwoon says, "No!" Kyuhyun pretends Jongwoon hadn't said no when he grabs Jongwoon's wrist and places a soft kiss to his mouth and says, "Well, I like you," and Jongwoon stares at him with his eyes wide, hand still in Kyuhyun's.

*

They start slow and don't tell the others, and then they do. It takes some time for most of them to get used to it, to  _accept_  it, but when Siwon starts treating them normally again after the third week, the warming up is quicker.

In this life, it's easier. They're together in the dorms and not in the real world. Jongwoon lives with his parents so it's not as easy as it could be, say, if they'd gotten together any sooner. But they're friends and bandmates and know each other's edges and rifts and, yeah, Kyuhyun thinks they're okay.

Jongwoon stays over sometimes and Kyuhyun lets him, and they don't do anything except laze around in Kyuhyun's bed. They watch shows on Kyuhyun's laptop and read and talk and Kyuhyun starts kissing him and Jongwoon kisses back, and they pretend like they're those people in the movies, or in the stories that their fans write, like they can fall into each other and never climb out.

Kyuhyun's breath is steady against Jongwoon's cheek as they slide against each other, and he makes little huffing noises while Jongwoon whines. Kyuhyun holds himself steady on Jongwoon's shoulder and their bodies are bare, wet against each other. Kyuhyun likes the rawness and he doesn't need any more than Jongwoon sighing, " _Kyuhyun_ ," before he comes, and Kyuhyun digs his cock against Jongwoon and groans before releasing as well. They stick together, panting, forgetting about everything outside of this room.

"Let's watch something," Jongwoon says after half a minute passes, and Kyuhyun groans and Jongwoon laughs.

"We've already gone through two entire shows," says Kyuhyun.

"Yeah, and there are like, a thousand more shows out there," says Jongwoon, and reaches around for Kyuhyun's laptop.

Kyuhyun puts his head against Jongwoon's arm, blocking the way. "Can we rest for a little?" he says. "Five minutes, please?"

"Five minutes of what?"

"Of doing absolutely nothing."

Jongwoon clicks his tongue but brings his arm back, and Kyuhyun smiles. He holds onto Jongwoon, like Jongwoon might be water slipping out of his fingers, but Jongwoon spoons himself against him and Kyuhyun knows that he could stay here for days.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

jongwoon is the type to say "hello" and "goodbye", even to strangers on the train. he'd step aside for people to move and won't push through crowds unless it's  _urgent_ , and he brushes his teeth after every meal except lunch because usually around lunchtime he doesn't have his toothbrush with him.

but sometimes he'll forget about "hellos" and "goodbyes" and strangers because people are all the same, and he'll float through crowds seeing but not really _seeing_ , because he's thinking. 

and when he's not thinking, he's talking and laughing and sometimes he's teasing and sometimes he's getting teased and he likes being on both ends because it makes him feel like,  _hey, i'm loved_. jongwoon likes to be loved and he knows he's loved and he enjoys life, little by little.

he wants to be seen even though he doesn't do all the seeing (but he does some, he sees some). sometimes he can come off as a little aggressive, for the times he doesn't see. he looks at others and sees himself, and can talk about tv or animals or what-have-you with strangers; but when it comes to politics and people he thinks about himself. and yeah, he knows it.

but when he can he does what he's asked and then he has little moments when he forgets that he's in public and he's himself and he thinks that's what he likes about himself. he's  _jongwoon_ —he never lets that get taken away.

*

Kyuhyun gets to work on time despite baggy eyes and does what he can to cover it up. If no one knew about the baggy eyes, no one would ever suspect a thing.

Kyuhyun likes walking around with something to do because that's what he does: he  _does_. Whether it's productive or not, he runs on what he knows and what he can do, learns new things so there are more options. People go about life with little aim in anything, but Kyuhyun can see the end, see the beginning, see all the little bits and pieces in the middle.

He charms, too, and he talks and he knows people, and sometimes people are bothersome and sometimes they're not but Kyuhyun tolerates all of them. He picks out the little things that make each person different and hyperbolizes them, but he thinks,  _hey, that's their life_  and  _I wish I were others so I know their whole story_  and goes with the front that he's given, that he knows.

So he's sometimes serious and sometimes not and goes and keeps doing, because people are fueled by two things: thoughts and action. He knows how to work properly and knows how to work properly but at the same time, finds himself in every little thing he does—a little bit of Kyuhyun here, a little bit of Kyuhyun there. He has a theory that the world is all connected, that they all come down to one thing (Knowledge? Unlikely. God? Possibly. Love? Probably) and Kyuhyun is a part of it, and it's his responsibility to take as much of himself as he can from everything else.

And so he looks for what others can't see, and he gives.

 

* * *

 

  
  


 

It's a pretty thing, the stage. It's the sort of thing Jongwoon envisions being on when he's older, except now he's already older.

The day Kyuhyun comes to their band, Jongwoon sort of sees the stage in him—no, he sees Kyuhyun as the stage. Kyuhyun looks nervous, but he smiles at them all and Jongwoon knows that he will fit right in.

*

Kyuhyun starts falling before the second year. Which isn't really the second year, but Kyuhyun sees the albums as "years" and, really, a few years have passed but a new album means new schedules and, in Kyuhyun's mind, a new year.

The car accident has passed. Kyuhyun's stomach is scarred. He starts falling before the accident, and after the accident he falls even harder.

*

Jongwoon thinks of himself as Yesung but doesn't forget he's Jongwoon on the most important days. On the day he leaves a message about the car accident on his Cyworld, he's Jongwoon. He's Jongwoon today.

He doesn't want to go to the hospital because all he can think of is Kyuhyun on his radio shows and on stage and during those times, he's Yesung and Jongwoon all in one because Kyuhyun can do that to him. He pushes back his throat when he's by the hospital bed and throws up afterwards.

*

But all bad things come to an end.

The second year comes, and then the third year. And they're Super Junior, and in the back of his mind, Kyuhyun can see them falling apart when they've only barely started. And falling apart is Kibum not having a schedule and Han Geng leaving and Youngwoon and  _army_. Suddenly it's army, all about army, and everyone's talking about if they'll last. Kyuhyun's thinking about his time to go to the army, and Jongwoon's.

*

They spend a little more time together, and Jongwoon doesn't quite mind. More of them are leaving and grouping off, coupling off when the camera's not on them and Jongwoon wanders over to Kyuhyun because he feels like it's the thing to  _do_.

They talk about everything, like how many years they think they'll last and who'll be the next to leave and what they'll do afterwards. What they've done before. Sometimes Jongwoon catches himself reminiscing and Kyuhyun will be smiling at him and Jongwoon will get embarrassed, not knowing what to do.

*

Kyuhyun takes his hand and sweeps his lips over Jongwoon's cheek and it should be the same, like when everyone else does it, because it's the sort of thing they're supposed to do, you know? But Kyuhyun pulls back and Jongwoon seems to get it,  _get it_ , and he asks Kyuhyun,  _what did that mean?_

Kyuhyun doesn't answer him and shakes his head and lets go of Jongwoon's hand. Because he's being stupid and he starts,  _Yesung hyung—_  and Jongwoon cuts him off, says,  _Just call me Jongwoon._

*

They talk about each other without any honorifics and they stay up to four in the morning and fall asleep on the floor of the kitchen. When Jongwoon wakes up, his head is on Kyuhyun's shoulder and Kyuhyun's head is against his own, and Jongwoon gently nudges him awake. He makes to get up, to leave, but Kyuhyun fastens his hand on Jongwoon's arm and says,  _let's just stay here for a bit._

They do and the sun rises from the window in the living room. They can't see it from here but Jongwoon imagines its rays splashing all over Kyuhyun, orange and pink and purple, and rests against Kyuhyun's propped up knee, forgetting sleep and wake.

*

On stage again, Kyuhyun whispers to Jongwoon little thing he's noticed about the audience, like,  _there's a girl with a poster that has your name on it_  and  _I think there's an American in the crowd._  Jongwoon whispers to him things like, _are you getting breakfast tomorrow morning?_  and  _can I come with you?_

Kyuhyun doesn't mention anything to the others, doesn't even think they notice. Doesn't think anyone else notices, really. He doesn't want them to, because he imagines the biting remarks, the hard glances—imagines them being more broken before. But Jongwoon says,  _let's grab a bite after the show_  and Kyuhyun whispers back, smiling,  _okay_.

*

They make toasts and talk and cry and laugh and, when they run out of other things to do, fall over in wrestling and tickle fights.

And outside the world around them, there's a song that sounds like,  _yeah, we're in love_.

 

* * *

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
[Download all (81.67MB .zip)](http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?zgksfz03drs6qdi)  
[Download playlist only (76.94MB .zip)](http://www.mediafire.com/?6rzdsy920o3dg71)  
[Download post only (4.76MB .pdf)](http://www.mediafire.com/view/?g3ny3tsse8ogcbu)

**Author's Note:**

> so i've been thinking about this fanmix forever, and never got around to it till a few days ago. it takes so much work (the graphics, omg) but this is my otp, so it's definitely worth it. i hope you enjoyed! and i really suggest listening to the songs--they're some of my favorites, in addition to fitting so well with my otp of all time :) ♥
> 
> much thanks to [99mb](http://99mockingbirds.com/) for the textures!


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